At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with
Her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. BIFOCALS BARBIE. Comes with her own set of blended-lens
fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain
and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. HOT FLASH BARBIE. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her
face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on
her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these
new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front,
too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. BUNION BARBIE. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her
sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES-BARBIE. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE. All that experience as a cheer-leader
is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school
megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in
robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes
and fruit punch.
8. MID-LIFE CRISIS BARBIE. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie
needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what
the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her
new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.
Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. DIVORCED BARBIE. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house,
Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. RECOVERY BARBIE. Too many parties have finally caught up with
the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance
steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes
with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE. This Barbie wets her pants when she
sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick
and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking
through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus
this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included. |